Marijuana Conspiracy Uncovered
Created by Big Business to Keep Environmentalists Lazy
The year was 1960, and the sedative-fueled conformity of the 50’s was under threat. Politically-aware, environmentally concerned, anti-consumerist youth were spreading across America as fast as the syphilis of their ‘free love’. Hippie ideology had arrived, and their anti-corporate message threatened to ignite the conscience of the whole country. Something had to be done, but what?
This is the story of the miracle-drug that saved corporate America from a fate of environmental and moral responsibility. Marijuana: the custom-designed, corporate-engineered plant made to ensure hippies didn’t get off the couch.
The First Prototype
“They first came to me in late 1959″ recalls Dr Richard Kaporsky, the fuzzy haired leader of the marijuana project. “CEOs from Big oil, big mining, big timber - all of them were terrified. The hippie ideology was catching on like crazy.”
‘Big Pharmaceuticals’ had created a drug to suppress anti-corporate activism, but there were problems. “The kids stopped protesting within twenty minutes of dosing. They’d just sit on couches, stare at walls, occasionally start a drum circle, stuff like that. It was impressive work” recalls Kaporsky. Impressive indeed, but the kids weren’t taking it.
At first, big pharmacy tried distributing the drug as a chewable candy, but “these hippie kids didn’t eat sweets. They had this weird, homemade dried fruit stuff. It was unprecedented.”
Next they tried marketing the drug as a hair product - a strategy which had made expensive, gas-guzzling vehicles irresistible to youths in the roaringly successful Bryl-Cream project of the 50’s. “But these kids didn’t even wash their hair, far less use gel” explains Kaporsky with exasperated disbelief. “Who the hell doesn’t wash their hair?”
Finally, pharmacy came back with a skin-absorbent clothing fabric. “Complete disaster” sighs Kaporsky. “Half the kids were tie-dying their clothes, which bleached out the agent. The other half were running around naked.” Non candy-eating, ungroomed naked people. The corporations were terrified. “That’s when they came to me” Kaporsky grins proudly.
Release #1: Marijuana.Apathy
“I knew straight away it would have to be a plant. Hippies love plants.” says Kaporsky. “So I created the covertly administered natural non-toxic apathising burnable inhalable shrub - cannabis for short”.
The corporations were delighted with the product, and immediately organised a nationwide ad campaign: “Cannabis: The Hip New Craze for Hip Hippies”. On the eve of the launch, Kaporsky pulled the campaign.
“We’d spent all this money advertising the candy, the hair product, the clothing, but the kids wouldn’t buy them” says Kaporsky. “We’d forgotten the very reason we’d made this drug in the first place: the kids hated us. They wouldn’t do what we told them to”. A cheeky, conspiring grin creeps across Kaporsky’s face “…but they’d do what we told them not to”.
“Big pharmaceuticals had been bribing congress to legalize their drugs for years.” says Kaporsky. “Congress was pretty confused when we bribed them to illegalize one”. Big oil, mining, and timber pooled together and organized a massive anti-marijuana campaign. Public service announcements, films, anti-cannabis school programs - the ‘don’t use marijuana‘ message seeped through every nook of American culture.
By 1963, the hippies were glued to their couches, drum circles, or music festivals. Their participation in public meetings and legal process was close to nil. The corporations had won.
Release #2: The Munchies Update
With the hippie ideology successfully quarantined inside a toothless walls of drum circles, corporate America could rest easy. But the war was not over. Soda, potato chips and chocolate had been the staple expenditures of American youth for forty years. Although the hippies were no longer sabotaging snackfood corporations, they still weren’t buying their products.
The hippie market appeared impossible to crack. Subliminal advertising, manipulated patriotism, bogus health claims - snack companies tried all the regular channels, but hippies stuck to their homegrown, organic produce.
“Coca-Cola Co. came to me in ‘64, they were desperate” Kaporsky recounts. “They’d heard about the marijuana project and how it had saved the natural resources industry. They begged me to help them out.”
Kaporsky had previously worked on appetite enhancers for the restaurant industry, and after six months of sleepless research he refined his appetite enhancer to specifically target corn chip and chocolate cravings. The new compound was added to the cannabis project in May 1965.
“It would have been a less than a week after the release of the munchies update. Myself and the VP of Coca-Cola were driving back from a late meeting. It was three in the morning - we stopped for gas. Coming out of the station were two shame-faced hippies. They had two bags of Doritos under each arm. The Coke VP fell to his knees - he grabbed the tail of my shirt and started crying into it. He wouldn’t stop thanking me. It was the moment we both realized that the ‘munchies’ plan had worked.”
Release #3: The Paranoia Update
By 1966, the hippie movement had gained a popularity not even mainstream media could ignore. Although the hippies themselves had been effectively neutralized, there were concerns that the ideology would spread to a more energetic, pro-active section of the community. Once again, Kaporsky went to work.
“The hippies wouldn’t shut up about how the corporate establishment was out to get people. This was entirely true, but we needed a way to discredit them. Eventually, we came up with a sort of boy-who-cried-wolf solution”.
“In late 1966, we added paranoia to the marijuana project. It worked a treat. Instead of just preaching corporate evils [true], the hippies started preaching CIA evils, FBI evils, giant alligator evils and Santa Clause evils [false]. The hippies were immediately discredited, anti-corporate beliefs included.” gloats Kaporsky.
Release #4: The Full Circle
As a new decade approached, corporate America had grown nostalgic for the docile, television-watching youth of the 50s. TV had spread throughout America and was proving a powerful new tool in consumer manipulation. It was time to get the hippies back in front of the tube.
“It was a beautiful thing, really. The gas-guzzling, couch-dwelling, TV watching youth of 50s would come full circle to the (combie) gas-guzzling, couch-dwelling, TV watching youth of the 70s. We added the ‘bad programming intolerance inhibitor’ in 1969. It made marijuana users happy to watch just about anything on television, irrespective of quality. I left the project shortly afterwards, in 1970″.
For the first time in the interview, Kaporsky’s cateract-tainted eyes break from mine. His posture sinks to a broken slump; he stares at the floor. A nostalgic, consolidated smile peeks from the sides of his wrinkled, 85-year-old lips. “I miss that sense of achievement”, he whimpers with broken voice.
The Future
The marijuana project lives on. The few remaining hippies are still fed an ample supply of the drug, and new groups with similar anger towards corporate America (e.g. heavy metal fans) have been weaned onto the steady diet of corporate-sponsored herbal apathy. Revisions have been made - video games were added to the mix in 1995 (spawning the “Pot and Playstation” culture), and more revisions shall be made in the future.
When asked what sort of changes to expect, Kaporsky is vague. “Who knows? Time will tell. Alternative energy is getting big. Maybe the oil industry will need to offload extra crude. They could add an oil craving to the drug” Kaporsky ponders. “Oil and Doritos. It might sound disgusting, but I’ve seen people with the munchies eat worse”.
Other Posts
The year was 1960, and the sedative-fueled conformity of the 50’s was under threat. Politically-aware, environmentally concerned, anti-consumerist youth were spreading across America as fast as the syphilis of their ‘free love’. Hippie ideology had arrived, and their anti-corporate message threatened to ignite the conscience of the whole country. Something had to be done, but what?
This is the story of the miracle-drug that saved corporate America from a fate of environmental and moral responsibility. Marijuana: the custom-designed, corporate-engineered plant made to ensure hippies didn’t get off the couch.
The First Prototype
“They first came to me in late 1959″ recalls Dr Richard Kaporsky, the fuzzy haired leader of the marijuana project. “CEOs from Big oil, big mining, big timber - all of them were terrified. The hippie ideology was catching on like crazy.”
‘Big Pharmaceuticals’ had created a drug to suppress anti-corporate activism, but there were problems. “The kids stopped protesting within twenty minutes of dosing. They’d just sit on couches, stare at walls, occasionally start a drum circle, stuff like that. It was impressive work” recalls Kaporsky. Impressive indeed, but the kids weren’t taking it.
At first, big pharmacy tried distributing the drug as a chewable candy, but “these hippie kids didn’t eat sweets. They had this weird, homemade dried fruit stuff. It was unprecedented.”
Next they tried marketing the drug as a hair product - a strategy which had made expensive, gas-guzzling vehicles irresistible to youths in the roaringly successful Bryl-Cream project of the 50’s. “But these kids didn’t even wash their hair, far less use gel” explains Kaporsky with exasperated disbelief. “Who the hell doesn’t wash their hair?”
Finally, pharmacy came back with a skin-absorbent clothing fabric. “Complete disaster” sighs Kaporsky. “Half the kids were tie-dying their clothes, which bleached out the agent. The other half were running around naked.” Non candy-eating, ungroomed naked people. The corporations were terrified. “That’s when they came to me” Kaporsky grins proudly.
Release #1: Marijuana.Apathy
“I knew straight away it would have to be a plant. Hippies love plants.” says Kaporsky. “So I created the covertly administered natural non-toxic apathising burnable inhalable shrub - cannabis for short”.
The corporations were delighted with the product, and immediately organised a nationwide ad campaign: “Cannabis: The Hip New Craze for Hip Hippies”. On the eve of the launch, Kaporsky pulled the campaign.
“We’d spent all this money advertising the candy, the hair product, the clothing, but the kids wouldn’t buy them” says Kaporsky. “We’d forgotten the very reason we’d made this drug in the first place: the kids hated us. They wouldn’t do what we told them to”. A cheeky, conspiring grin creeps across Kaporsky’s face “…but they’d do what we told them not to”.
“Big pharmaceuticals had been bribing congress to legalize their drugs for years.” says Kaporsky. “Congress was pretty confused when we bribed them to illegalize one”. Big oil, mining, and timber pooled together and organized a massive anti-marijuana campaign. Public service announcements, films, anti-cannabis school programs - the ‘don’t use marijuana‘ message seeped through every nook of American culture.
By 1963, the hippies were glued to their couches, drum circles, or music festivals. Their participation in public meetings and legal process was close to nil. The corporations had won.
Release #2: The Munchies Update
With the hippie ideology successfully quarantined inside a toothless walls of drum circles, corporate America could rest easy. But the war was not over. Soda, potato chips and chocolate had been the staple expenditures of American youth for forty years. Although the hippies were no longer sabotaging snackfood corporations, they still weren’t buying their products.
The hippie market appeared impossible to crack. Subliminal advertising, manipulated patriotism, bogus health claims - snack companies tried all the regular channels, but hippies stuck to their homegrown, organic produce.
“Coca-Cola Co. came to me in ‘64, they were desperate” Kaporsky recounts. “They’d heard about the marijuana project and how it had saved the natural resources industry. They begged me to help them out.”
Kaporsky had previously worked on appetite enhancers for the restaurant industry, and after six months of sleepless research he refined his appetite enhancer to specifically target corn chip and chocolate cravings. The new compound was added to the cannabis project in May 1965.
“It would have been a less than a week after the release of the munchies update. Myself and the VP of Coca-Cola were driving back from a late meeting. It was three in the morning - we stopped for gas. Coming out of the station were two shame-faced hippies. They had two bags of Doritos under each arm. The Coke VP fell to his knees - he grabbed the tail of my shirt and started crying into it. He wouldn’t stop thanking me. It was the moment we both realized that the ‘munchies’ plan had worked.”
Release #3: The Paranoia Update
By 1966, the hippie movement had gained a popularity not even mainstream media could ignore. Although the hippies themselves had been effectively neutralized, there were concerns that the ideology would spread to a more energetic, pro-active section of the community. Once again, Kaporsky went to work.
“The hippies wouldn’t shut up about how the corporate establishment was out to get people. This was entirely true, but we needed a way to discredit them. Eventually, we came up with a sort of boy-who-cried-wolf solution”.
“In late 1966, we added paranoia to the marijuana project. It worked a treat. Instead of just preaching corporate evils [true], the hippies started preaching CIA evils, FBI evils, giant alligator evils and Santa Clause evils [false]. The hippies were immediately discredited, anti-corporate beliefs included.” gloats Kaporsky.
Release #4: The Full Circle
As a new decade approached, corporate America had grown nostalgic for the docile, television-watching youth of the 50s. TV had spread throughout America and was proving a powerful new tool in consumer manipulation. It was time to get the hippies back in front of the tube.
“It was a beautiful thing, really. The gas-guzzling, couch-dwelling, TV watching youth of 50s would come full circle to the (combie) gas-guzzling, couch-dwelling, TV watching youth of the 70s. We added the ‘bad programming intolerance inhibitor’ in 1969. It made marijuana users happy to watch just about anything on television, irrespective of quality. I left the project shortly afterwards, in 1970″.
For the first time in the interview, Kaporsky’s cateract-tainted eyes break from mine. His posture sinks to a broken slump; he stares at the floor. A nostalgic, consolidated smile peeks from the sides of his wrinkled, 85-year-old lips. “I miss that sense of achievement”, he whimpers with broken voice.
The Future
The marijuana project lives on. The few remaining hippies are still fed an ample supply of the drug, and new groups with similar anger towards corporate America (e.g. heavy metal fans) have been weaned onto the steady diet of corporate-sponsored herbal apathy. Revisions have been made - video games were added to the mix in 1995 (spawning the “Pot and Playstation” culture), and more revisions shall be made in the future.
When asked what sort of changes to expect, Kaporsky is vague. “Who knows? Time will tell. Alternative energy is getting big. Maybe the oil industry will need to offload extra crude. They could add an oil craving to the drug” Kaporsky ponders. “Oil and Doritos. It might sound disgusting, but I’ve seen people with the munchies eat worse”.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Interesting read but what a bunch of shit! What was that? I got some of your points you were trying to make but overall it was pretty biased towards both corporate America and Pot smokers. Mr. Fenn, could you tell me what this article was supposed to address?
August 25th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
youre a freaking moron man. Marijuana was around since the dawn of man. It wasnt a government created mind control substance. for christs sake It was made illegal in the U. S. in 1937 because of Henry J Anslinger and William Randolf Hearst. know your shit.
Anti weed propoganda is whats blinding this country from serious problems affecting it, such as health insurance problems. Which sprouts from the addiction of pills by business people that want to get high legally. 7 billion USD are spent anually on the 700,000 marijuana crimes. With that money 4.5 million children can get health insurance. What if the government controlled weed and taxed it? wouldnt that produce much more money to be spent on health insurance for people who actually need it? or schooling? or housing? stop telling yor children marijuana is bad so that once they try it they arent confused because it isnt bad, and so they dont move onto harder drugs out of doubt of the lies you told them about weed.
Make weed legal NOW and save the country.
April 12th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Britney Spears recently revealed her involvement in the Marijuana Conspiracy that you just uncovered… Video of the Day… Britney Spears Delays Concert, Tells Fans “Don’t Smoke Weed”
July 26th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
This is clearly a satire, lol. If it’s not, then I may have to worry about the fate of history.